Reflect; a message from my reflection. (Looking in the mirror)

Look at you!

You’ve gone so easy on yourself that it’s started to show on your body

Look at those love handles! No and no.

Now  I’m gonna tell youthe facts real straight. It’s time to ask yourself these questions.

Go ahead, not that I can care less.

Look at me, and ask me if I am what you expected of yourself

Its been nineteen years down the road and I ask,

Is this who you thought you would be.

Yes, you’ve grown physically, but what about the growth of your mind?

Do you feel you have matured to your age’s limit?

Are you thinking in the way you are meant to be?

Is your physical development a reflection of your mental?

Ask yourself.

Yeah, I guess it is. Kinda.

Hmmm… so for the duration of your life you have suffered;

Disappointments, inadequacy, reality and raw pain.

Do you feel you have handled them well, or shoved them aside?

Have you learned to face problems head on, or ran away?

Have you learned to distinguish between necessities and luxuries?

Priorities and hobbies?

Dreams and goals?

Ambition and greed?

Did you finally understand what it means to grow up?

Not really, but I have time to learn.

But really!

Did you learn to value yourself, chase your happiness?

Live your own life, and not someone else’s dream?

Be brave enough to fight for those in need?

Be courageous enough to speak the truth, even when it hurts?

To put the service of others, and service of self first?

Never forget to thank those who made you who you are, and where you come from?

Value “value” enough to give yourself that much?

Not so much…

So I will tell you this much;

You crave the answer to life and that is it. Be who you believe in and never quit.

Remember.

Some questions are the answer itself.

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Realization

I waited too long to get to this moment
I reached inside your chest
To get what I wanted
Inside was nothing

I tried once again to grab at it
I reached inside your chest
And..nothing.
There was nothing to take,
Nothing to break
Nothing to build,
Nothing to destroy,
Nothing to turn cold
There was nothing inside your chest

I spent days in hiding
Waiting, planning, turning you into shapes
Idolizing moments when finally
You’d be my slave
Take what the devil desires
Then create you pit of fire.

You would love me and hate me in equals
Want me and despise me to your core
Your curse for eons
I would play you like a fucking marionette and you’d love it
dream of me between your tomorrows
But there was nothing

When I reached inside your chest…
And the blazing obsession I felt finally made sense.

You weren’t worth the hours.

Suspended

Me, digressing
You, knowing that you need to give yourself a chance to go on, yet not taking steps to
Me, knowing that I need to give myself a chance to go on, yet afraid to let you go
You, not really letting me go either, warping me in obscurity and insecurity
Me, letting you,
You, locked in yourself, in a vicious cycle of destruction
Me, a willing prisoner in it with you.

You, pushing me away, because we’re more than just a pair of unrequited souls with shattered spirits
Me, gifted with that knowledge and none the wisdom to do just that
We, both fumbling in the dark circle to pick the pieces, afraid to pick the wrong ones to piece it back together
You, worried that the pieces from me would fit just right
Me, worried that they would fit too perfect
You, the broken and incomplete puzzle in the world’s jigsaw.

Me, aware of an anomaly in our embrace
You, aware of an anomaly in our embrace
Me, curious
You, wary
We, a dark cycle of sentiments and anomalies unexpressed and equally balanced on a scale that will no doubt tip with but a push
And so the anticipation bears a brunt of it’s own
Me, a hot-headed electrically charged force
You, an exhaustive source of troubles
The field, a fair ground of neutrality
The battle, held in suspension due to otherwise occupation.
Our status, yet to be clearly defined.

The winner

The words resonate hollow in my chest yet once held the deepest meaning
The face strikes as a ghost, a memory best forgotten
The memories are simply a sub category in happiness, hold no uniqueness
You fall into the past, relevant neither then nor now
My smile shines through truly, my hear, soul spirit unmarred
while you struggle to come to terms with the reality you thought you’d never have to face
While you look for answers to questions which have no base
While you pray to be delivered from yourself, and to come into favorable fate
While you close off into yourself and wallow in the consequences of your mistakes
We never thought we’d have to pay the price, yet here we are
I did my penance and did forget while you are only starting to repent
It’s a cold world because now the shoe is on the other foot.
One wonders now who got the better of who.

Mind fuck

There are days when I’m strong, happy even
I tell myself the three year fever has passed and I’m free
It lasts for four days or so and you’re nothing but a passing through for me
A past thought for me.
I walk with that spring in my step
And suddenly I stop, falter, trip headlong into a realization
You’re still in my skin and the lie was only to get me through the first half of the week
The depression to sink me through the weekend
Mooning to control my mind, you to fuck me five ways into hell
In the most sick mind fuck
Drowning in myself.

I met your father today

I met your father today
He was an okay men
He didn’t look anything like you, talk anything like you
He had none of that easy going charm you have,
Rather the look of a man who’d lived his time and was sitting back,
waiting for time to take its toll, for the next drama to unfold
Just tired.
With none of the hope and promise that shines in your eyes
He doesn’t look like you either
He has the disillusioned look of a man who thought he had forever to find happiness
But met struggles with the economy and fought to build himself a name
Married the first nice girl that came along, had children
And as the years sped by, so did his youth,
His quest for happiness was slipping further and further out of his fingers
Until the day he realized that his son was halfway on the path he once sought for himself
And despite financial success and continued lineage that should have been happiness
He wasn’t happy.
The spark was gone from his eyes, the fire.
He was resigned to sit back and wait for time to take its toll.
I met your father today. And I met in him the men of the future.
The men who lived hoping for everything but tantamounted to nothing.

Beauty

We live in a society where physical beauty is valued beyond all other forms of beauty. And not only that, this version of perfection is within boundaries as well. For one to be termed as beautiful, she must have skin of a light complexion and a body of generous curvaceousness.
Beyond or below that and you fall out of the general perception of beautiful. Sadly, many a woman have inevitably caved in to society’s demands and gone above and beyond to conform to this trend, consequences be dammed. Surgery, seemingly witchcraft oriented elixirs and medical faux pass have been committed in the pursuit of beauty by societal demand. Some close to us.
I personally fall short in meeting these demands for I am neither fair-skinned nor curvaceous and therefore do not fulfil the public expectations of beauty, by which is the only perception of women that there is today, in spite of changing times. However, I personally do not believe for one second that I am not beautiful. I am beautiful because I can use my mind to determine that me falling short in public perception does not lower my value, nor does it make me want to lower my value. I am beautiful in the most quintessential way that transcends the physical and supercedes the average mental. I should be considered not just for how I look, but for the most important human traits of kindness, love, devotion, ambition, tireless efforts to fulfil my own fantasies and leave a legacy. The fact that I am not fair-skinned means that I need to work twice as hard to get half the appreciation but I will work and tire and slave but I will not change to fulfil the expectations of acceptance by a society that has refused to accept me as I am.
I will not take pills or dab lotions just to earn a decade worth of admiration. I will continue my belief in my natural untainted beauty, whether I am considered vain. I will not consider the views of a society that cannot see beyond the surface to appreciate my views, which are relevant and urgent.
And I will continue my pursuit of happiness and earn the title “materialistic”  extravagant and frivolous for as long as I feed off the sweat of my efforts. No one will touch me. And I will continue to pray for a change in the views that do not expand to include myself and other individuals to fit into the general perception of beauty but I will not expand my beliefs to include the view that I am not beautiful just because everyone else says so. I will continue to reject the society that continues to reject me. I will continue to be myself, and I will continue to not apologize for it. And I will continue to pity those that were not strong enough to see that they were beautiful all along, but we are not all born with natural Self-assurance.
I will continue to say I am beautiful, not basing on the opinions of others, but because I know that God created me in an image of perfection, and no mortal or otherwise being can tell me that I am not.