The bits of you that are black and white

The bits of you that are black,
The ones that told to run and never look back
Hurt because you’ve been hurt
Deny anyone the chance to be close to you
Closet yourself, your mind, go wild
Speak to hurt, never put in any work
Expect the world from your efforts of nothingness
Dream but never desire to achieve
Listen to the voice that says
“You’ll never be the person of your dreams”
“You’ll never meet the person of your dreams”
“You’re only as deep as a puddle of water”
“And the mind you value so much is worth dust”
The bits of you that you’re tempted to hear more
The bits that scream into the cracks of your foundation
And crack at your resolution.

The bits of you that are white
In the smile that trembles to be held up and prevails
In the laugh lines around your eyes
In the warmth of your speech
In the knowledge you always teach
In the pain that reflects resilience
In that flicker of light that sometimes catches your eye
The sigh that whispers “you’ll never have to walk alone”
“There are a few that think of you as home”
“you were born to be strong”
“this sadness is yours for as long as you wish it be”
The bits of you that you don’t see
But I do
The bits that you think don’t matter but make you you
The bits that matter more than all the others do.

The bits of black and white that remind me why…
Both half bits that make a full you.

Ressurection

I’d long ago told myself what I had to do
How I knew that I was lost, how I needed to take the final step
Move on. Let go.

I’d long for a while told others the same thing
Cut your loses, be brave, take the last step and burn the trash
Find your happiness, grab it, own it, fuck the rest of the world
Fuck those who couldn’t understand you or your pain.

I need to resurrect.

I’d let myself help others but refused to help myself.
I’d become the coward in the corner.
I’d fucked myself over and over again in denial and fear
I’d let the pain consume , brand, become me
And now I’ve lost it all and need to become a new being.

Reflect; a message from my reflection. (Looking in the mirror)

Look at you!

You’ve gone so easy on yourself that it’s started to show on your body

Look at those love handles! No and no.

Now  I’m gonna tell youthe facts real straight. It’s time to ask yourself these questions.

Go ahead, not that I can care less.

Look at me, and ask me if I am what you expected of yourself

Its been nineteen years down the road and I ask,

Is this who you thought you would be.

Yes, you’ve grown physically, but what about the growth of your mind?

Do you feel you have matured to your age’s limit?

Are you thinking in the way you are meant to be?

Is your physical development a reflection of your mental?

Ask yourself.

Yeah, I guess it is. Kinda.

Hmmm… so for the duration of your life you have suffered;

Disappointments, inadequacy, reality and raw pain.

Do you feel you have handled them well, or shoved them aside?

Have you learned to face problems head on, or ran away?

Have you learned to distinguish between necessities and luxuries?

Priorities and hobbies?

Dreams and goals?

Ambition and greed?

Did you finally understand what it means to grow up?

Not really, but I have time to learn.

But really!

Did you learn to value yourself, chase your happiness?

Live your own life, and not someone else’s dream?

Be brave enough to fight for those in need?

Be courageous enough to speak the truth, even when it hurts?

To put the service of others, and service of self first?

Never forget to thank those who made you who you are, and where you come from?

Value “value” enough to give yourself that much?

Not so much…

So I will tell you this much;

You crave the answer to life and that is it. Be who you believe in and never quit.

Remember.

Some questions are the answer itself.

Realization

I waited too long to get to this moment
I reached inside your chest
To get what I wanted
Inside was nothing

I tried once again to grab at it
I reached inside your chest
And..nothing.
There was nothing to take,
Nothing to break
Nothing to build,
Nothing to destroy,
Nothing to turn cold
There was nothing inside your chest

I spent days in hiding
Waiting, planning, turning you into shapes
Idolizing moments when finally
You’d be my slave
Take what the devil desires
Then create you pit of fire.

You would love me and hate me in equals
Want me and despise me to your core
Your curse for eons
I would play you like a fucking marionette and you’d love it
dream of me between your tomorrows
But there was nothing

When I reached inside your chest…
And the blazing obsession I felt finally made sense.

You weren’t worth the hours.

Suspended

Me, digressing
You, knowing that you need to give yourself a chance to go on, yet not taking steps to
Me, knowing that I need to give myself a chance to go on, yet afraid to let you go
You, not really letting me go either, warping me in obscurity and insecurity
Me, letting you,
You, locked in yourself, in a vicious cycle of destruction
Me, a willing prisoner in it with you.

You, pushing me away, because we’re more than just a pair of unrequited souls with shattered spirits
Me, gifted with that knowledge and none the wisdom to do just that
We, both fumbling in the dark circle to pick the pieces, afraid to pick the wrong ones to piece it back together
You, worried that the pieces from me would fit just right
Me, worried that they would fit too perfect
You, the broken and incomplete puzzle in the world’s jigsaw.

Me, aware of an anomaly in our embrace
You, aware of an anomaly in our embrace
Me, curious
You, wary
We, a dark cycle of sentiments and anomalies unexpressed and equally balanced on a scale that will no doubt tip with but a push
And so the anticipation bears a brunt of it’s own
Me, a hot-headed electrically charged force
You, an exhaustive source of troubles
The field, a fair ground of neutrality
The battle, held in suspension due to otherwise occupation.
Our status, yet to be clearly defined.

The winner

The words resonate hollow in my chest yet once held the deepest meaning
The face strikes as a ghost, a memory best forgotten
The memories are simply a sub category in happiness, hold no uniqueness
You fall into the past, relevant neither then nor now
My smile shines through truly, my hear, soul spirit unmarred
while you struggle to come to terms with the reality you thought you’d never have to face
While you look for answers to questions which have no base
While you pray to be delivered from yourself, and to come into favorable fate
While you close off into yourself and wallow in the consequences of your mistakes
We never thought we’d have to pay the price, yet here we are
I did my penance and did forget while you are only starting to repent
It’s a cold world because now the shoe is on the other foot.
One wonders now who got the better of who.

Mind fuck

There are days when I’m strong, happy even
I tell myself the three year fever has passed and I’m free
It lasts for four days or so and you’re nothing but a passing through for me
A past thought for me.
I walk with that spring in my step
And suddenly I stop, falter, trip headlong into a realization
You’re still in my skin and the lie was only to get me through the first half of the week
The depression to sink me through the weekend
Mooning to control my mind, you to fuck me five ways into hell
In the most sick mind fuck
Drowning in myself.